During my sophomore year, i had a long-distance admiration/obsession with another girl, Emily. she was a great artist, had the most beautiful hair, and always wore a Fleet Foxes crop top. I never spoke to her, or even met her, but i loved her anyway. i looked forward to seeing her everyday, i took the long route to class to see what great outfit she was wearing that day. i used to feel really weird about this secret admiration, but i came to realize, i wasn't alone. not only was i not alone, but I was the admiration of someone's eye too.
During my junior year of highschool, i made a great friend, Bailey. we had absolutely nothing in common, but we made it work anyway. actually, its still pretty fucking weird that we're close. she'd talk to me about taylor swift and i'd talk about artists i was following but for some reason, things always still worked. She told me she thought i was the coolest thing, like somehow wearing Black Flag t shirts and reading Rookie Mag made me special or individual. It was a weird concept to grapple with, especially when i realized i was Bailey's Brigid, or Emily or Hazel Cills (another long-term girl crush).
At first, i was flattered. i think admiration from anyone your age is a pretty rad thing to receive every once in a while. But the more i thought about it- the more uncomfortable it made me. I was no where near as beautiful as Brigid, as graceful as Emily or as kick-ass as Hazel. I was--me; i ate pb&j sandwiches everyday and i read a lot of Jane Austen and built sets for my school musicals. I felt like a nobody, but on someone's eyes i was great, and you know what, that's pretty fucking cool.
As i started to come to terms with my new found follower, i realized that being admired wasn't the worst thing. i was scared because i had spent so much of my high school career hiding in the library, eating lunch with my English teacher, and i never thought people noticed me. I was also oddly intimidated by the comment, because all of the women i admired i thought were pseudo-goddesses, and i could never be on their "level", whatever that means.
As i've grown older and learned more and more about myself and my passions, I'm not nearly as insecure as i was. I've started zining, and blogging more actively and writing music. I still actively follow some of my old girl crushes on tumblr, twitter etc, and i even visit Brigid at college sometimes too. Growing into a femme fatale with other cool gals as my inspiration has been a really great experience and i highly recommend finding a totallllllly rad chick in your school or on the inter-web to fangirl to yourself over. and who knows, maybe one day you'll cross paths. Girl crushes are the fucking bomb, and you may even be someone's special long-distance gal.
At first, i was flattered. i think admiration from anyone your age is a pretty rad thing to receive every once in a while. But the more i thought about it- the more uncomfortable it made me. I was no where near as beautiful as Brigid, as graceful as Emily or as kick-ass as Hazel. I was--me; i ate pb&j sandwiches everyday and i read a lot of Jane Austen and built sets for my school musicals. I felt like a nobody, but on someone's eyes i was great, and you know what, that's pretty fucking cool.
As i started to come to terms with my new found follower, i realized that being admired wasn't the worst thing. i was scared because i had spent so much of my high school career hiding in the library, eating lunch with my English teacher, and i never thought people noticed me. I was also oddly intimidated by the comment, because all of the women i admired i thought were pseudo-goddesses, and i could never be on their "level", whatever that means.
As i've grown older and learned more and more about myself and my passions, I'm not nearly as insecure as i was. I've started zining, and blogging more actively and writing music. I still actively follow some of my old girl crushes on tumblr, twitter etc, and i even visit Brigid at college sometimes too. Growing into a femme fatale with other cool gals as my inspiration has been a really great experience and i highly recommend finding a totallllllly rad chick in your school or on the inter-web to fangirl to yourself over. and who knows, maybe one day you'll cross paths. Girl crushes are the fucking bomb, and you may even be someone's special long-distance gal.
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