For the first time in my life, i really am standing at a significant turning point. In two months, i apply to art school for college. In 5 months, i (hopefully) get in and make a down payment. I go to prom, i graduate, i go on The Great Trip to California with Jim and have the time of my life. In ten moths i leave this town, my family, Jim. I listen to the Strokes and think of him. I see an eagles jersey on the street and think of home. I will listen to music and cry alone in my twin sized bed where i'm sure many people have fucked and felt nothing. I will walk down dark alleys very late at night in the city and feel very afraid, or, i will hope for someone to come along and take my life as i've been to afraid to all those jaded times before. I'll see all my old favorite bands in new venues and feel the same way i did in Philly, or in my car, or in your arms when we sang to each other. I will have my house in the Pacific Northwest, it will smell of cedar and have a tin roof. I will be painting then too-- but i wonder if it'll still be your reflection i'll see in the strokes of wet paint.
I wonder if i will ever bleach my hair like i want to. I wonder if i'll even be happy in the city during college, or if i should just follow you down south like i know a small part of each of us wishes. I wonder what will happen when i come home for summers and i drive by your house and someone else is waiting for you in the driveway. I wonder if my friends will ever forget the horrible things i did when i was young. I wonder if i will ever forget the people who have broken my heart in past years, or if they'll forever be reserved in the mini-hell i created for them. Is it possible that one day will be my last day in Philadelphia? will my favorite diner go bankrupt or my favorite book store get boarded up with the new wave of EBooks being just too irresistible?
Will i ever hate art and what it's done to me? What i've done to myself???
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